Single/White/Geek

There is no way to logically deny that the 1980’s were the golden age for Saturday morning cartoons. With heavy hitters like Thundercats, GI JOE, Transformers, and  He-Man and the Masters of the Universe on the TV from 8 a.m. to 12 p.m. every Saturday (or Sunday depending on where you lived) there was no way to wrestle the remote from any kid under the age of 14.

There’s something to be said about the 1980’s for many young, 20-something Americans: it was a simpler time, a time of youth where you could run around without a shirt on-swinging a sword in the air- screaming ” I HAVE THE POWER!” and your parents wouldn’t be brought up on charges of child abuse.

So without further adieu, here are some of the most rocking theme songs to come out of the 80’s, after the cut.

8. Silverhawks

“Wings of silver, nerves of steel…(Silverhawks!)”

The Siiiiiiilverhawwwwwks might have been a complete rip-off of the Thundercats, but the melodious sounds of their theme song is enough to make a six year old say, “fuck yeah!” while grandma is in the room. I mean, seriously, there is a robotic man with a cowboy hat, driving a rocket ship, whilst playing guitar. Not just playing, NAY, rocking the evil out of the galaxy.

Now I know almost nothing about the show but I can say that they got one helluva theme song that would draw in any right-minded child and rot their brains from the inside out with action, action, ACTION. Not only do they point out that they are “partly metal” (an obvious reference to their cowboy-rocking-ally) but they are also a “rainbow in the night,” which makes them a Ronny James Dio song.

7. M.A.S.K.

“M-M-M-M.A.S.K.!!
Is The Mighty Power That Can Save The Day!
M-M-M-M.A.S.K.!!
No One Knows What Lies Behind The Masquerades!
M-M-M-M.A.S.K.!!”

M.A.S.K- The poor man’s GI JOE/Transformers- but never the less a great action show from the 80’s. Their theme song makes use of synthesizers, rockin’ guitar and what is most likely a Los Angelino hair metal band singer. The song draws you right into the show- the action, the transformations and the helmets masks.

But really, how much “masquerading” is done by cars/helicopters/tanks that have very real and very visible missle launchers/guns/nuclear weapons strapped to the side of them.

6. Thundercats

“Thundercats are on the move,
Thundercats are loose,
Feel the magic, hear the Roar,
Thundercats are loose”

Another great team/animal based action show from the 80’s is most notably The Thundercats. This show told us two things: 1. ManCats will rip your face off and 2. Bestiality is OK as long as Cheetara is involved.

Thundercats was key in the lineup of Rakin/Bass action cartoons of this decade (alongside the aformentioned Silverhawks), so much so that it was put in re-runs until about 2001. Thank god for Cartoon Network and being loyal to their audience with good shows and no reality-based children’s programming with Andrew W.K.

5. Defenders of the Earth

“Defenders of the Earth!…Defenders!”

What do you do when the copyrights of four Golden-Age pulp comic legends go into Public Domain? You make a oddly interesting show about them with teen sidekicks of course! All you need to know to get into this show is that there are four old superheroes, they want to defend the earth and they’re beating up on a Chinese stereotype from 1930. Rad! So good…so…defending.

4. The Centurions

“Man and Machine, Power Extreme”

One thing that must be highly stressed about most action cartoons in the 1980’s is that the cartoon was created in conjunction with a toy line directed at 8-12 year old boys. Watch the cartoon, parents buy the toy, bingo, make it rain at Mattel Co. It’s the same business model that Japanese companies have been using on North America since the dawn of time (or television at least).

Centurions is a perfect example of “great toy, mediocre television show.” Transformation sequences took about 8 out of 30 minutes of a full show, the writing was ok, but the animation was sick. But dammit if that intro didn’t kick your balls into your chest. Explosions, evil disfigured bad guy and an authoritarian voice telling you how awesome these guys were.

3. Voltron

“A Mighty Robot, loved by good, feared by evil”

The Japanese rock out the transforming robots like city of Miami rocks out with cocaine. They do it so much they forget what they’ve created and the whole predicament breaks down society.

Instead of cars, or boats, or spaceships; this time the Japanese went with robotic tigers- creating a almagram of awesome beasts and lifeless robotics.

Trumpeting and a authoritarian voice telling us the background story? Pretty good there Japan, we forgive you for Pearl Harbor.

2. Transformers

“Autobots wage their battle to defeat the evil of…the Decepticons!”

Again, thank you Japan, we forgive you for Hello Kitty.

The Transformers not only blew every kid’s mind in the 1980s but did so in style with transforming sentient life. If crack was the drug of the 80’s for adults, then the Transformers was super crack mixed with sugar and sparkles for 8-12 year olds.

What can be cooler than cars transforming into robots, back again, and then back into robots and shooting other robots? A robot that turns into a sniper rifle. Good choice there Megatron, I’m sure that really helps when you are trying to hide from the Autobots. No one would ever think to look for the giant sniper rifle behind the Grand Canyon.

I won’t even get into Starscream, fucking traitor.

1. GI JOE

“He never gives up, he’ll stay til the fights won, GI JOE will Dare! GI JOE!!!!!”

GI JOE holds a special place in my heart as the culmination of my childhood. Fuck He-Man, screw Inspector Gadget, they were all commies next to GI JOE.

Innovative, heart stopping and more explosions than a Micheal Bay film; GI JOE not only kicked ass, they did so without killing a single Cobra villain (on screen at least, the off-screen interrogations are stuff of legends).

Hasbro has made a killing off of the six inch figure since the first introduction of the show in the early 1980s. Of course, the 12-inch kung-fu grip our fathers grew up with were still around, but the six-inch action figures that tied into the adventures of our favorite heroes on the TV show made them hotcakes for kids in the 80’s and on. The new movie might not live up to cult expectations, but at least we get to see Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow duke it out on-screen (back yard cherry bombs excluded).